Meandering Thoughts of MomTo3Kidz: About Me

The Variety Show

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 11:55:54 GMT

Last night I participated in my school's variety show to raise money for "Dollars for Scholars." Normally I wouldn't dare to show my complete lack of talent, but the act I was in required bad singing. Now that I can do - naturally. I was in the Geriatric Choir. My costume consisted of my grandma's walker, my dark green suit, white gloves, a blue gaudy brooch with rhinestones, huge rhinestone earrings, knee-high hose (with one falling down), an adorable little black hat, black oxford shoes, too much rouge and a piece of toilet paper hanging from the waist-band of my skirt. The song was sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" and began with the words: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings... I even managed to speak a few lines of the song - solo. Since we were allowed to use papers with the words to the song, I didn't even get nervous and the whole thing was a blast. If some ornery teacher posts the act on YouTube, I will post it here, so you can see me being goofy. My last stint in acting was in the 8th grade, when I was 13 years old and I was a robot. If I wait that long to appear on stage again, I might be in my casket!

Nothing...

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 12:12:34 GMT

Did you ever see someone staring off into space and ask him, "What are you thinking about?" and he says "Nothing." That has always bothered me. I am always thinking about something. I couldn't meditate for squat, because it is impossible to "clear my mind." I have tried to think about nothing and then I am thinking about trying not to think. If anyone asks me what I am thinking about and I say I am not thinking about anything, it really means one of two things- it isn't any of your business or it isn't important enough to share. I guess the only time my mind is clear is when I am sleeping, and then that might not be the case, because I could be dreaming and just not remember my dreams when I wake up. sigh I wish I could say that a busy mind is a sign of great intelligence. If that was the case, I am a stinkin' genius! LOL

What's New

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:43:22 GMT

Today I called in to my new job to see if they have any clients for me. I was offered a Sunday shift from 8:00am - 4:30pm, every week. That means that I would have to give up my time in the nursery with people I like very much. I hate that thought. It is so depressing to think of giving it up. On the plus side, I won't have to miss church since we have Saturday night services. Do I wait for a different assignment and give up the money, or take it and live without my "baby fix"? I have to decide by Thursday.

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We got a letter in the mail saying that the judge decided that Bio-mom gets two overnight visits a month, and he set a date for us to go to court this summer for a status hearing. He made suggestions for the times and days of visitation but said that we can make our own arrangements if we can agree. Since we offered Bio-mom more time than the judge did, she agreed. The problem is that the judge said that Craig and I are responsible for transportation after her visitation. I don't know think he remembers that she lives an hour away, and that she doesn't pay a dime of child support. So - I told Bio-mom that the only way we will provide transportation is if she is ordered to pay child support. We have supported Victoria for over three years, and I have to work two jobs in the winter and Craig works two jobs in the summer and fall. If she wants to push the issue, we will file for child support and it will be granted. She said that she cannot afford to pay child support, so she will take care of transportation. I am pretty good at playing hard ball when I need to. If she keeps her visitation and doesn't have any major meltdowns, I expect she will get visitation in line with Indiana State Guidelines at the status hearing.

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Andrew is on his third Geometry teacher this school year. Third. He has had trouble in math since he started high school and playing musical teachers doesn't help any. The computer grade book has not been updated since before Christmas break. I have no idea what his grade is. That really ticks me off. I sent an e-mail to the guidance counselor and the special education teacher in his Geometry class and asked if they could please let me know what his current grade is. Hopefully they will get back to me tomorrow. If not, I will contact the assistant principal on Thursday.

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Since I have already earned the reputation of being a witch in my childrens' school district, I agreed to attend Craig's nephew's IEP conference. Z has Asperger's Syndrome and he is in the 6th grade. The IEP we will be working on is for Junior High (next year). That is a scary transition. I will be there as a student advocate and make sure that Z's parents don't sign that IEP until we are totally satisfied that it offers the support that Z needs to be successful. Z's parents are not educated, and I am sure are very intimidated when sitting at a table with administrators, teachers, consultants, and therapists. They also don't know the law. I pray that this team is more flexible and open to my suggestions so I don't have to be a witch - again.

Yucky Weekend Happenings

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 11:23:10 GMT

Saturday night we tried to go to church, but I got a migraine. Thankfully I managed to keep from throwing up until we got home. Thankfully I kept a lined waste basket next to my bed. Thankfully I didn't miss the waste basket. I managed to keep down to over-the-counter sleep aid pills and slept for 11 hours straight.

Unfortunately, there was chaos in my household. Devon was the source of it. It is blatantly obvious that he is as bi-polar as the day is long. I guess the mental health clinic he is going to doesn't want to get to the bottom of his problem because he doesn't have health insurance and he only pays $5.00 a visit. Then there is the fact that he doesn't take the medication that is prescribed and uses pot and alcohol instead. Saturday night he left me a ranting, angry, foul-mouthed, message on my cell phone that included a death threat. Yep, my oldest son told me that he is going to kill me. I hadn't even spoken to him and didn't do anything to provoke his anger.

Devon is not allowed in our home without invitation. If we invite him over he will have to be totally respectful or leave. If Craig won't back me up, he can leave right along with Devon. My tough love approach just got tougher.

How to quit smoking - Kathleen's way

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 00:50:50 GMT

I started smoking at the ripe old age of 16 and continued to smoke until I got pregnant with my boys. You know those billboards showing a fetus with a cigarette in the mouth? They affected me profoundly. I quit smoking - cold turkey- for both pregnancies. Once I got home from the hospital I started up again - in the basement or outside. Crazy, stupid, thing to do. The stress of working, living with Craig, and having children who had sleep and behavior problems was my excuse for "my crutch."

Over the years I quit and started back up, again and again. One time I quit for 4 years and still went back to smoking. There were long periods of time when I would only smoke 2 or 3 cigs a day, but then eventually the number would increase. If I had a no-good, very bad day with Craig or Bio-mom I would smoke a pack and make myself sick. Of course then I would vow to quit.

Medication didn't do a thing for my smoking habit. I realized that I wasn't physically addicted because I did go for months only smoking a few cigarettes a day. Finally I decided to make some new habits. I made some new rules. I added the new rules one at a time, not all at once, and severely limited my smoking. Rule number 1 - No smoking with non-smokers around. Rule number 2- only smoke in the basement or outside, eventually going to only outside. Rule number 3 - no smoking in my new car (I never did break this rule). Finally I decided to become a complete closet smoker, so when I did sneak a cig I had to be outside, wash my hands when I was done, gargle or brush my teeth, and spray myself with Febreez. What a ritual! People just assumed that I had quit smoking since they didn't see me smoke and I didn't smell like I had been smoking.

The next step was lozenges whenever I craved a cigarette. The final step was prayer. I had prayed for help to quit, but I still couldn't get myself to give the cigarettes up completely and it was really hard with Craig smoking like a chimney. I finally got specific and prayed that I would get sick from the smell of cigarette smoke. It worked like a charm. I felt green around the gills every time I was around Craig smoking or I tried to light up. That prayer worked so well that I couldn't be around my husband because he smelled like smoke and I felt like I was going to puke. He had to install an exhaust fan in the basement so he could smoke down there in the winter. I still won't kiss him until he has had a shower and brushed his teeth. I cannot hang out with my old friends who smoke, unless we are outside. I find it difficult to work with students who have been smoking. It has been two years and 7 months since I quit, and the only way I can stay away from the darned things is if they keep making me sick. Now one of my favorite prayers is, "I thank you God that cigarettes make me sick!"

A test of my patience

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:53:11 GMT

One of the wonderful things about anti-anxiety medication is that completely irritating, annoying, frustrating things barely make a blip on my emotional radar. I might think to myself, "Oh shut up already!" or "Calgon take me away before I smack the crap out of that person!" but it passes quickly. I can stand in long lines at the grocery store and sigh and think about how I always pick the wrong line to get into. Without the medication, the irritating things in life make me feel like I am going to explode. I don't know exactly how to explain it but it is a physical feeling, not just thoughts. The battle for self-control makes the physical feelings escalate. I am not a yeller or screamer and I don't throw temper-tantrums. Well normally I don't, but there have been a few times in my 23 years of marriage that Craig pushed me over the edge...

I haven't had my medication for 2 weeks. Finances, being busy, bad weather, and an expired prescription I have kept me from getting it. Yesterday my day was very pleasant. I worked a half a day, then went to my training for the new job the second part of the work day. I was pleased with the professionalism of the company and the friendliness of the trainer. If I am placed with a client I like, this could be a very nice part-time job for me. Once I entered the front door of my house, all of that changed. Craig was in another of his nit-picky moods and I was under fire.

Why is there coffee on the counter?

When are you going to put away your hair stuff?

I am making dinner.

Fine, you can make dinner.

Nobody does anything around here.

I hate coming home to a messy house.

What do you mean you're not hungry? I cooked dinner!

I work all day and then everyone expects me to come home and clean.

It went on for 2 1/2 hours. It wasn't just what he said, but HOW he said it. That tone of voice. Ugh. He was so mean and nasty with Victoria I felt like ripping his head off. I actually considered getting my stuff together while he was in the basement and running away from home for a few days. I could call in sick to work. Then I realized that I couldn't leave the kids. The anxiety and pressure was making my insides a churning mess. We drove to church in absolute silence. No music, no talk - just deafening silence. On the way home, Victoria wanted to talk. Craig wouldn't let her. He turned on the music to drown her out. Jerk.

This morning the anxiety is still eating away at my insides. I was relatively sure that we would have at least a 2 hour delay because of the snow we are getting, so I decided to stay in bed until 6:00am to wait for the call. Craig refused to let me sleep. He played and talked with the dogs, bugged me, turned on all of the lights, yelled at me to get him some toilet paper... He absolutely would not allow me to relax. I still didn't yell or complain. He finally left for work and I got some peace, and the call that school has been cancelled. Some time today I have to brave the snow and bad roads to go pick up my meds. If I don't, I am going to lose my temper with that man, and it won't be pretty. Not at all.

Bargain Hunting Pays Off

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 11:31:16 GMT

We have three services from a company that begins with the big V - phone, internet, and wireless. I figured with that kind of loyalty we should qualify for some sort of discount, so I made a phone call. Turns out that putting all three services on one bill gives us free calls from all 5 of our cell phones to our home phone, and calling from our home phone to the cell phones won't take any of our minutes. The package includes Caller ID, and Call Waiting, but the very best part is free long distance from our home phone to anywhere in the continental US and Canada. We normally use our cell phones for any long distance, but if it isn't after 9:00pm or a weekend, the call uses minutes from our wireless plan.

We save a whopping $3.00 a month. I know that is not a great savings, but it solved a big dilemma for me. Marilyn's phone number is long distance from our house and cell phone. If I wanted to call her before 9:00pm during the week, it used up minutes on my plan (her cell phone plan is not from the V company). She gets free incoming, but if she wanted to call me, it burned minutes on both plans. We have had some seriously high cell phone bills since her separation and divorce. She changed her plan so she gets free minutes after 5:00pm, and I have free long distance from home, so we can talk to our hearts content. I guess having the day off yesterday had one benefit after all. I had time to do a little bargain hunting.

The times I've fallen

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:43:04 GMT

I cannot take credit for the title of my entry this morning. It was stolen directly from Ree's blog. I am sure her entry is much funnier than mine, because, well, she is just a hoot when she tells on herself. However, as I was reading her blog this morning I was reminded that I am currently nursing a rather tender rug burn on my right knee. It is the result of one of a very graceful move I executed Sunday night.

Victoria, Craig and I were all snug in our beds and Andrew was glued to his computer screen in his room, when I realized that I forgot to turn down the thermostat. For some reason I decided to walk to the living room in the dark to turn it down. The thermostat is right above my computer desk and next to the desk my was my purse, complete with medium length handles which were sprawled out on the floor. I guesstimated the adjustment of the thermostat, turned and headed back to the bedroom. Somehow my size 12 foot hooked the handle of my purse and I started flailing, and hopping on one leg. Because of the momentum, I crashed and burned right in the doorway of our bedroom. I must have made quite a racket becuase Andrew opened his door and said, "Are you ok Mom?" Craig, on the other hand, laughed at my grace and wondered aloud how I managed to fall the entire length of the hallway if my purse was in the living room. I don't know how I did it, but if it was on tape, we would have all had a great laugh.

The fall reminded me of what could possibly be my most graceful move ever. A few years ago I was at Wally World to do my grocery shopping. The parking lot was icy and I was trying to strike a balance between shuffeling along like an old lady and walking like a confident woman, when I hit black ice right in front of the doors. Oh I am sure I was a beautiful sight, with my arms windmilling in the air, my mouth opened as I cried out in surprise, my eyes bulging. The next thing I knew my nose was to the ground, and I was getting a close-up look of the shiny pavement. My arms and legs were sprawled out in all directions. Before this incident I thought that only cartoon characters fell in this manner. I wanted to rise quickly, and try to be cool and confident; maybe laugh at myself and stride into the store with a grin on my face.

Nature was against me. The pavement was so slippery that I could barely get to my hands and knees. Every move I made, caused more sliding. I hurt - everywhere. A mother and teenage boy stood gawking at my side-show, when the mom recovered and barked at her son, "Go help that poor woman up!" The kid just stood there staring at me. I have to give him credit - at least he wasn't laughing. He obviously didn't want to help me up. I told the kid, "Don't worry about it. If you try to get me up we will both be sprawled out on this ice." They watched as I crawled to the salted area on the sidewalk, slowly unfolded my aching 5'10" frame, and hobbled into the store, with my face burning from embarrassment. I refused to consider how many other people had witnessed that fall. Just call me GRACE!

(One time I managed to step on my own foot and crash to the ground during a high school Government class. You guessed it, I was the teacher. Mortifying I tell you.)

The end is near...

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 11:56:43 GMT

The end of what? The end of my relaxing weekends. Next Thursday I have to take a half of a personal day to attend an orientation for my new job. I find it quite irritating that they don't have an evening or weekend orientation. I guess I should count my blessings because other places have much longer training sessions. One place I applied requires 5 days of training and another requires 8 days. That might work for people who need full-time work, but it sure doesn't work for me.

After I complete my orientation I have to be matched with a client. I have no idea how long that will take. I was really hoping to be working by the first of February. If I can make $250 a month, I can get our emergency fund up to $1000 in three months (barring any catastrophies during that time.) After that I can put money toward medical bills. In April Craig should start cleaning out peoples' yards, so we can put some money away for vacationing with my family.

Last night I talked with another teacher at my school and I told him about my second job. He told me that he cleans an office on the weekends, coaches a minor sport, and installs sprinkler systems in the summer to make enough money to survive. He is currently looking for two more offices to clean. What does he sacrifice? His transmission went out in his car during the summer and he still hasn't had it repaired. He gets rides to work every day. He doesn't have internet at home so he has to go to his inlaw's home to complete online college courses for his masters degree. He does have a very nice house in a decent neighborhood. Wow, teaching, such a lucrative career...

What a lazy day!!

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 01:03:10 GMT

I have a three day weekend and I have been a total sloth. Last night I was in bed before 8:00 and slept 10 hours. Today Craig and I did the grocery shopping and I went and got Andrew a pair of shoes. Other than that I have washed some clothes and played on the computer. That is it. What a boring day.

Wait and see...

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 00:12:20 GMT

I have one pill of Prednisone left and still have a cough. It isn't as bad as it was last week, but it is still here. I wonder if I am ever going to go an entire day without coughing. I guess I will wait until next Monday and see if the coughing gets worse without steroids. If it does, then I will call the doctor. Gosh I hope I don't have to call my doctor.

My job interview went ok on Tuesday. Just ok. I think I can go into a house and help an elderly person get meals, run errands for them, do light cleaning, and wash a bit of laundry. The only thing that worries me is "personal care." I a not too hip on wiping anyone else's butt. Definitely not going to help a man in and out of the shower. So, my opportunities in the home care field are limited. Oh, and I did say that I won't work in the home of a smoker. When I prayed that cigarette smoke would make me ill, so that I could quit smoking, God listened and granted my wish. I am supposed to hear by Friday, whether they want to hire and train me. The pay is lousy - $7.50 an hour, but still better than WalMart or the fast food places.

There will be two opportunities to do homebound schooling in my school, and our guidance counselor took both of them. (One of the students is Harley.) I have to say that it really makes me mad. She got OUT of teaching special education for a reason. But now she says that since she has two children in college she needs the money, so she will take the homebound students. I bet she gets paid her hourly rate, which is a whole lot more than mine. I had this brief fantasy where I went and begged her to give up the homebound teaching for me, while I explained that every week I have to put off paying some bills that are due, and Victoria needs jeans, and Andrew needs shoes and I cannot get them what they need! But then I remember that something will work out. God always works something out. So I am waiting to see what I hear on Friday.

Next week I have a small dilemma - the social studies department meeting. My boss in all of his wisdom told me that I should attend social studies department meetings. Fine by me. However, the meetings are held at a restaurant instead of the school. Last time I took enough money to buy an appetizer and drink water, then ran into my parents, who slipped me a $20.00 so I could eat more. It was a wonderful surprise. Next week I don't even know if I will have the money to get an appetizer. I don't want to cancel either, because my vice-principal will be part of the meeting this time. I am not sure what I am going to do yet.

Silly woman that I am, I alerted the special education teachers that one of our students had to go to the food bank last weekend. I suggested an intervention on our part. Last year we got some food supplies and personal care items together for the family. Usually I have spare stuff in my cabinets downstairs. I just went to look and found that my cupboards are bare except for a few cans of peas. Oops. The teachers are meeting Friday to discuss who will bring what, and I don't know that I can donate anything. Well, I can, if I take some money from our food budget to do it, but last week I had a whopping $10.00 so all I got was some bare necessities. (Think Aldi's and Dollar Tree) This week I will probably need to spend the entire budgeted amount on groceries. Poop it is hard to be a giver when there is too much month left at the end of the money. I have two days to come up with something to donate. I know, another wait and see...

Yep, I have a new slogan>>> We'll just wait and see!

Meandering thoughts on the job hunt

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 03:22:33 GMT

I have an interview Tuesday after school. I am excited and depressed about the thought of working two jobs. The excitement stems from taking steps to help our financial situation. I like to work towards results. I feel good about setting a goal and taking steps to reach it. Of course the sad part is that I just don't want to work two jobs. I also have concerns:

My concern is that Craig will spend money on eating out while I am at work. If I work four hours in the evening and make $32.00 gross, and Craig orders pizza for $20.00, what was the point of me being away from my family? It happened all the time when I worked at Target. I just don't want my efforts to be thwarted by my own spouse.
I also worry about what will happen at home when I am gone. Will the laundry get done, the bathroom cleaned, the dusting done, the sheets washed? Or will I be responsible for completing the household chores when I am not at work, writing a paper for my college class, writing lesson plans, or helping kids with their homework?
Will Craig be able to deal with Andrew's teenage attitude with calm resolve and avoid a nasty blow up or will all hell break loose when I am not hear to manage things?
What will happen to my church attendance? Will I be able to work in the nursery? If I cannot attend church will Craig step up to the plate and take Victoria?
How will working more affect the joy in my life? What will happen to my friendships? My hobbies? My attitude? My peace? One of my longtime friends works two jobs to survive and let me tell you, there is no joy in her life. There is only working for survival. I don't even enjoy talking with her anymore. Her situation is so depressing and I am helpless to do anything to change it.

Ok all of this worrying is not productive. I know it. I haven't even been offered the job yet. I don't even know if the job will meet my criteria. I just know that something has to change in our finances and it has been left to me to make the change. I have to do what I have to do, and pray that God helps me all along the way.

My visit to the doctor

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 23:20:13 GMT

I had a TB test and a lung x-ray. The x-ray is being sent to a lab for reading, to rule out emphesyma. I get my TB test checked Friday after school. In the meantime I will drug myself up with cold medicine so I can sleep at night. If all is clear I start a week of Prednazone (sp?) twice a day and a special cough medicine to take at night. If my cough doesn't clear up after that, it is back to the doctor I go. For now, the cough remains a mystery.

I've been grounded!

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 12:26:22 GMT

Dear Hubby is pissed that I am having too much fun on my break. Friday we went to Goshen to listen to Devon's guitar teacher, Saturday I went dress shopping with my sister, in the evening we went to church, Sunday I stayed home and did school work, Monday I went to Granger to visit Pages In Time and went to Starbucks with Marilyn, and yesterday I ended up meeting my friend Jeri at Pages In Time for 5 hours of scappin'. I completed two cute pages, by the way. One for Devon and one for Victoria.

Craig effectively grounded me this morning by announcing, "I am taking your car to work!" I felt a flicker of irritation and then snuggled deeply into the blankets to sleep for one more hour. When I woke up I realized that my plans for the day were totally ruined. I was going to take Victoria either sledding or ice skating, and go to the library to get a few videos. Good thing I didn't tell her what I had planned. I cannot take his truck because he has the one and only set of keys with him at work. Crud. I should have woken up this morning and been a witch. Naturally Craig would use a sneak attack and I was lazy enough to fall for it. He really knows how to get my blood pressure up.

Boring Day

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 02:11:27 GMT

Church was boring - a non-message Sunday where clips of previous messages, skits, and music were played on the big screen. The year in review at GCC. Whatever. I'd seen them all, and I wouldn't agree that they were the best. I guess that all five of the pastors had the weekend off. I know that it happens very rarely. I just realized that with 5 services each weekend, extra services for Easter and Christmas, and a service each Thursday, our pastors write and deliver over 300 messages a year. That doesn't even include the seminars they teach, baptism, the membership classes, or the times they are asked to teach at other churches. WOW. They work very hard and have very busy lives. Still, if I had known it would be a review, I would have stayed home.

On Tuesday January 8th I start teaching a new class called, "Basic Skills Development." It consists of a jumble of skills that the special education teachers think our direct students need to work on: organization, reading comprehension, basic math, problem solving, writing and daily living skills. The daily living skills might include: phone etiquette, taking messages, writing out directions for medication, filling out job applications, communication with employers, choosing a cell phone plan, auto insurance, table manners... Whatever I think they will need to know for surviving in the real world. I am really excited about working with the kids on meaningful skills that apply to their daily living.

The problem is that while there is a general curriculum that suggests what I could/should cover, there aren't any materials. Other than the two hour nap I took, I spent the day writing lesson plans and finding materials online. I completed plans for five class periods. I hope to get two more weeks completed before I go back to work on January 7th. For right now, I quit. I am going to go see what is on the boob tube, since I don't have a good book to read.

What a day...

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 22:41:59 GMT

I slept in late! Yes, miracles can happen. Last night Craig and I and two of my friends went to see Devon's guitar teacher play at a small bar. The music was pretty mellow and I had a nice time, but I stayed up until 12:30am. Normally I am looking at the back of my eyelids by 10:00pm. Craig got up and let the dogs out in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't drag my lazy rear out of bed until 8:30am.

My sister and I went shopping for her wedding dress. She descibed what she wanted and I heartily agreed. Do you think we would find it? Oh no, a floor length, ivory, dress with short sleeves, and a modest neckline, with very little beading and lace, and NO train, in her size, did not exist. She tried on dress after dress and of course the ones that were close to the one we envisioned were not in her size and could not be ordered in her size. Two bridal shops and two department stores later, I found the back-up dress. Perfect bodice, correct size, too short, and wrong color. I figured out a way it could be lengthened by a seamstress, but there wasn't anything we could do about the champagne color (more like taupe). I told her to buy it because it was on clearance for $40.00. Maybe with a fake bake tan and the correct colors of make-up, she could live with the color, and if we find the perfect dress she won't be out a ton of money. The search will continue.

One thing I observed during our shopping is that the bridal dress consultants are mostly short old ladies with balding heads. They are so short that they cannot reach the tops of the hangers without stretching and standing on their toes. The dresses weigh a ton and I could feel it in my arms and shoulders as I helped my sister in and out of the dresses and hung them back up. One little old lady had a brace on her wrist thanks to hauling around those two ton dresses. I don't know, but I think it would be easier to be a WalMart greeter. I am just saying that when it is time for me to retire from teaching, and I cannot quit working because I am still paying off student loans, I am not going to sell bridal dresses. See? I learn something every day that might help me in the future.

While my sister and I were out shopping my cell phone rang. I checked the caller ID and immediately knew that the caller was my best friend's soon to be ex-husband. Darn. I have been expecting the call for a long time. I thought it would come long before this. I ignored the call and listened to the message. He very pitifully and politely asked me to call him back because he needs to talk to me for a minute. I didn't call him. During the next hour he called me 5 more times. FIVE! Three times he called from his cell phone (I didn't recognize the phone number so I called Marilyn to find out if it was his number.) and two times the ID said RESTRICTED. Now if I wouldn't answer his home phone, or his cell phone, why on earth would I answer a call that someone labeled RESTRICTED? I was tempted, oh so sorely tempted, to answer and blast him with some cutting comments. I finally decided that if he called a sixth time, he wasn't going to like what he heard. He didn't call again and I was spared being a witch. Whew! I don't know why he would think that I would want to hear anything he has to say.

Devon hasn't been around for three days, Andrew has been spending every minute at his friends' houses, and Victoria has been with her brothers and her sister since Thursday afternoon. The silence has been wonderful. Now THIS is vacation. If I had a good book to read or a cute romantic comedy to watch, it would be perfect. Too bad the silence is ending. Victoria will be home soon and Andrew just got home a bit ago. Shhhh. I have actually missed the boogers, but they don't need to know that.

I can hardly wait

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 16:56:01 GMT

I know I am a nut. I get so incredibly excited about Christmas. It is 11:30 am and we don't leave for church until 2:30, and I just want time to hurry up! I am so looking forward to our Christmas Eve service (even if it is technically Christmas Eve Afternoon). I wish it was my family who is gathering for the service, intead of Craig's, but I am still going to enjoy it. I think I will get ready early and pace the house with anticipation. I might even put on make-up, which I never wear, but hey it is a special occasion.

The gifts are wrapped. Craig's ham is thawed and ready to throw in the oven, and his baked beans are cooking. Craig thinks baked beans go with every holiday - Easter, Christmas, 4th of July... We have the ingredients to make Ree's bacon appetizers to eat at my parents' house tomorrow. I hope I am not forgetting anything... It is bad enough that I get so excited on Christmas Eve that I can barely sleep, so I don't need to worry about what I may have forgotten.

Oh MY GOSH! Victoria and Craig just walked in from a run to the store and brought me roses. 6 roses - 2 red, 2 yellow, 1 pink, and 1 peach. Craig hasn't given me flowers for 23 years. Wow. I can feel a little crack forming in my hardened heart...

Whooo - Hooo!

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 11:39:06 GMT

Today is the last day of school before Christmas Break! Yippee! I get to spend the day reading final exams. Now that is boooring. However, this morning is the staff Christmas breakfast and out big reveal of who our Secret Santa's are.

I know who my Secret Santa is - our copy lady. She was so obvious. Yesterday she gave me the most wonderful gift - a $10.00 gift card from Starbucks and a Starbucks travel mug. I had just looked at the mugs last week and thought how nice it would be to have one - until I saw the price. Forget it. The gift yesterday was a great surprise.

The shop teacher at my school knows I am his Secret Santa. He strolled into my office the other day while I was making his last gift. Crapola. He looked right at it and then pretended he didn't see it. Then he did the sweetest thing - he pretended that he thought my friend Karen was his Secret Santa. He wants me to think he is confused. It has been great fun, with him pretending that Karen has been giving him gifts, and me pretending that Karen is his Santa. He thinks he is fooling me, and I am pretending that Karen and I have fooled him. LOL. Anyhow today he gets my favorite gift. He dresses up as Bob the Builder every year for Halloween, so I purchased a little Bob the Builder on a 4-wheeler and a little snowmobile and make a 2 and 3 dimensional Christmas card for him. The toys sit on white tagboard and have construction paper evergreen trees standing across the background. A white banner across the trees says, "Merry Christmas Bill." I even made a little snowman with a black top hat and stick arms. I had a sudden burst of creativity. It is too bad he has already seen it. It would have been a good suprise.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out what I would do for my direct students. I wanted to give them something small, but not a pencil or anything as lame as that. The Dollar Tree saved the day - again. I got 11 decks of cards and wrapped each one. Then I went to the internet and got rules for 5 different card games and printed them out for the kids. One of the games is SPOONS. I am getting some plastic spoons from school today and we can play games after our final. I think it will be a fun way to end the semester and wish my kids a Merry Christmas. Can you tell that I am crazy about them?

Ignorance is everywhere

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 03:53:51 GMT

Before I go off on this rant, let me say that I know I am not perfect. I know I don't always spell perfectly. I know I make many typos in my writing. Ok? Here we go. In the grocery store parking lot I saw a plate on the front of a truck that said:

To hot to handle; to cold to hold.

Oh my gosh! I thought I would have a fit right there. I so wanted to leave a note on that truck that said, "I am sure your teachers from elementary school on, would be horrified to see that the plate on the front of your truck has butchered written English. It should say, Too hot to handle; too cold to hold! Signed - One horrified teacher"

And no, that wasn't the only thing that drove me nuts today. Victoria and I were looking at Christmas cards in a Dollar Tree and she picked out one for her teacher that said something like,

Your special to me every day...

What the heck? Companies print cards without having a literate person check the spelling? Don't they know the difference between your and you're? I told Victoria that we would not, under any circumstances, be purchasing a card with a spelling error. Yikes! I am totally freaked that people/companies are so stupid. How can they sell these items without having them inspected first?

Weekend Happenings

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 18:52:37 GMT

Friday night Craig, Victoria, and I went to Bethlehem Live, which is an outdoor production where visitors walk the path that Mary and Joseph walked to Bethlehem. There was a 45 minute wait inside the church and Victoria was getting pretty impatient despite the entertainment. Once we got going it was extremely cold and very smokey. Each scene had a fire burning, and although we couldn't see the smoke, we could feel it in our noses and eyes. The church had rented animals for the production and we saw a camel, sheep, alpaca llamas, a cow, a horse, a donkey, and two rabbits. At the end of the path Mary and Joseph had baby Jesus in the barn. It was a real baby bundled up and wrapped in blankets, sleeping soundly and being rocked back and forth. So sweet. It was a nice way to spend the evening.

Saturday morning we participated in the food drop, which was awesome. After that Craig, Victoria and I did the grocery shopping. In the evening we put up the Christmas tree and decorated it. Andrew put on his ornaments and Devon stopped by, so I got him to put his on the tree too. It was so nice to have the whole family participating. I cannot count the number of times Victoria and I have decorated the tree alone. I know it started even before she came to live with us. The normal procedure has been that Craig sets up the tree, I shape it, he puts on the lights, and then Victoria and I decorate it. Normally Craig is at his friend Jim's house, during the decorating stage.

Sunday morning I worked in the nursery during the first service, then Craig and Victoria met me for the second service. After church I did a couple of haircuts at our house and then we hung out at home for the rest of the day. In the evening I got a call telling me that we had a two hour delay today. The two hour delay ended up being a school cancellation, by the time I got to work. Booo! I don't want to make up a day at the end of the year!

More Daily Drivel (or is that dribble?)

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 11:46:15 GMT

Craig decided to apologize for his behavior. He swears he doesn't mean to upset me, which of course means that he is just naturally an a**. Yes, I told him that. My feelings have not changed. In fact, on Wednesday I drove past my perfect tiny house with its perfect little yard. It is for sale and it is in one of my favorite neighborhoods. The longing for a new life is a physical ache.

The very same day I was dreaming of my own little home, Devon came over after work. He had an emotional breakdown on the job. Flashback time to the 5th or 6th grade when he curled up in the fetal position on the floor in the hallway at school, sobbing his littler heart out. Ok, he wasn't on the floor in WalMart, but he was crying and snotting like a big "pu**y". < his words, not mine. He also told me about his constant suicidal thoughts. I sat him down and explained that I am convinced that he has bi-polar disorder and that he can feel much better with medical treatmeant. One problem is that he makes $6.50 an hour and doesn't have health insurance. The other problem is that I have taken him to may counselors and two psychiatrists. One said that he has Asperger's Syndrome and the other said "Devon walks to the beat of his own drum." What the heck?! The kid has been an emotional basket case for 7 years! Of course, now that he is going to be 19 next month, I have no control over his decisions. I called a local mental health agency and they said that he qualifies for a 95% discount on services, but he had to call in to make the appointment himself. He did make an appointment for next week. Now we will see if he actually goes. If he goes, will he end up with medication that he cannot afford? When he gets insurance through work, he won't have coverage for pre-existing conditions. Nothing is ever easy.

Oh no, that is not all that is complicating my life. Bio-mom is fighting for unsupervised overnights with Victoria. We go see the GAL December 11, and have a court date December 14. If she has a letter from her doctor stating that she is stabilized on her medication, I think she will be successful. She says that she is working three days a week. I think that if she is stable enough to work, and a doctor says she is stable enough to care for a child, she needs to start paying child support. I am telling that to the GAL, and the judge. What really stinks about this whole thing is the cost of all of this. Craig is not paid for taking time off of work and we are responsible for half of the GAL's fees. Merry Christmas to us!

Time for some good news. Andrew has two C's, one B, and an A in his classes. He is halfway through the trimester. I am holding my breath to see if he can make it to the end with nothing lower than a C. Now THAT would be cause for celebration.

Tomorrow is the GCC Food Drop. We will be unloading 8 semis of food from Feed the Children and distributing it to families and food banks throughout the area. I can hardly wait. Victoria and I went last year and had a great time. Craig says he is going (but he said that last year) and my friend Marilyn and her daughter are participating too. Time for cold noses, fingertips and toes, and warm hearts.

I hate math.

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 11:37:57 GMT

More than ever actually. Yesterday I sat down and figured out my expenses as a single person. Craig takes care of groceries, gasoline, my car payment and spending money. I pay all of the regular bills with my paycheck. I eliminated giving to my church, sponsoring a child through Compassion, a home phone, and internet and STILL could not even come close to a balanced budget. Then I remembered doctor bills, clothing, school supplies, gifts, book rental, school lunches, auto repairs... I would have to make a minimum of $800 more a month to even survive on my own. (Not including that list of "extras.") That would cover my car payment, groceries, $30.00 a week spending money, and gasoline. One of my good friends who is single works 60- 70 hours a week between two jobs, just to survive. She has no fun, no time with her teenage daughter, and is depressed as can be. Do I really want to leave Andrew home alone every night so I can go to a second job? No. I have spent half of my life with Craig being a jerk. Do I want to put up with his crap for the next 40 years? That answer is no too. Ok, time to go to the child support calculator and see what he would have to pay me. I am sure it won't be much, because he makes less than I do.

One Self-Indulgent Weekend

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 22:09:43 GMT

This weekend has been great fun so far. Friday night was the school play, which took up my whole evening. Saturday morning I had great intentions of doing the laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, dusting and cleaning out my car. Instead I cut my mother-in-law's hair and then sat and talked to her about Thanksgiving plans and Christmas gift ideas. My head, neck, and back were killing me, so I went to the chiropractor and waited for an hour to be seen. Since I had to wait so long, I entertained myself by calling my friend Lisa, who I haven't seen since September. Chatting with her made the time go faster.

After I finally left the chiropractor I went to Kohls in search of the kind of purse my mother-in-law wants for Christmas. She has very specific criteria, but hasn't found one to match those criteria. I spent so much time in the purses, I was sure the security people were watching me carefully by hidden camera. I could just imagine their conversation, "See that woman in purses? I think she is opening every purse we have. Do you think she is looking for something? Look, she takes the stuffing out of each one and opens all of the compartments. Maybe it is a drug exchange..." When I heard someone give some codes on the intercom, "Code 4 in 56..." (I was sure it meant, someone was sent to observe me in closer proximity) I finally left in frustration and decided to go to a different store for an entirely different gift. Next stop Sears, for a specific sweat suit that mom asked for. Luckily the selection in womens sizes is quite small and it was easy to find what she had described - just not in her size. Crap. I struck out twice.

I went home and did two haircuts for some friends and chatted for a bit. Off I went to visit my friend Marilyn and drag her with me to do Christmas shopping. She spoiled me by taking me to eat at her favorite restaurant. I had never been there before. I stuffed myself on steak provolone, wild rice and a tossed salad. I had planned on having on a hot pretzel at the mall. I found the sweatsuit at a different Sears store. I got Devon a gift certificate from this store, and Andrew a gift certificate from this store. I had never been in either store before and to tell you the truth, the second one kind of creeped me out. It was dark and freaky and very popular with Emo's and Goths. The kids at school talk about the stores, and my boys have asked to get clothing at both, so I am pretty sure they will love their Christmas gifts.

After getting my shopping done, Marilyn and I went to get a bedspread for her bedroom. She and her daughter moved into an apartment and she is decorating it room by room. We had a great time in a large discount department store, choosing the bedspread and pillows, curtains, candles, wall hangings, silk plants and sheets. We went to her place and rearranged the bedroom furniture, put the new bedding on her bed, and put up a wall hanging and a shelf. I was pooped and we didn't even get the curtains up. Knowing Marilyn, she will have her room completed before the week is out. She has only lived in the apartment for two weeks and the only room left to be decorated is the kitchen. She had every box unpacked the first weekend. No joke. She moved her belongings into the apartment on Friday and didn't have a single box left by Sunday evening.

Sometimes Marilyn exhausts me just by telling me everything she accomplishes. We are total opposites when it comes to energy level, perfectionism, and self-discipline. It is amazing that she can stand being around someone as lazy as I am. Ok, maybe she didn't always know how lazy I am, but now she actually reads my blog, so she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt. Shoot. I guess I don't have any secrets now.

Today I took Victoria to church, and then went to my parents' house to cut and color my mom's hair. When we got home I did a load of laundry and now I am blogging. I still need to finish the laundry, clean the bathroom and grade some papers. I know I won't get my car cleaned because it is already getting dark outside and it is only 5:00pm. I lose any iota of ambition once it gets dark outside. What is it about sunshine that gives a person energy? Maybe I should be nice and bundle up and take my big, black dog for a walk. My little pups will be mad, but all they will freeze outside with so little hair and hardly any meat on their bones.

Busy Day

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 11:30:34 GMT

Last night my school had parent/teacher conferences. One parent came to talk to me. One. I talked to my co-workers for 2 hours and 45 minutes to entertain myself. It was a looong day. On the plus side, today we have a half day of school. Yay! I have filled up my "spare" time quite nicely.

I am going to get my hair cut this afternoon, then I am going to go visit Harley and this evening I am going to the school play. Harley is in a nearby hospital for intensive therapy. They expect him to be there for a month. At least it is local so friends and family members can visit him frequently. He can talk now and is eating certain foods - I expect baby food. Now they are going to work on his legs, in hopes that some day he might be able to walk.

I typed the name of the school play into Google and here is what I found:

“The Curious Savage,” by John Patrick, is the warm-hearted tale of Mrs. Ethel Savage, a slightly eccentric, extremely wealthy widow. Being the recipient of her deceased husband’s estate, she wants to make the best use of it, despite her greedy stepchildren’s selfish attempts to get their hands on it. Mrs. Savage, however, has put her wealth into negotiable bonds in the hopes of establishing a fund to help others realize their hopes and dreams, much to the siblings’ chagrin. They then commit her to a “sanitorium” in the hopes of shocking her to her senses. There she meets a variety of social misfits, all needing exactly the kind of help Mrs. Savage can provide and who eventually appear more sane that those outside the walls of the institution. These wonderful individuals run the gamut of characterization possibilities, and immediately endear themselves to Mrs. Savage (and to the audience as well). With the help of her new-found friends, Mrs. Savage leads her stepchildren on a merry chase which eventually brings them to the pits of humiliation and despair even as Mrs. Savage obtains her freedom. The dominant mood is comedy with plots, plans, and hi-jinx, however the philosophy is far from laughable. The audience is left with a feeling that the neglected virtues of kindness and affection have not been entirely lost in a world that seems motivated at times only by greed and dishonesty.!

It sounds good to me!

Confession time

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 19:23:49 GMT

I don't think there is a name for my most irritating phobia. What is my fear? I have a fear of something breaking underneath my car that affects my steering, or my wheels, and causes me to crash. THis phobia is compounded by the fact that I have had many problems with shocks, wheel bearings, tie rod ends, ball joints, tires, brakes, exhaust... It all makes noises, or causes my car to wobble, shimmy or bounce. Most recently Craig replaced the lower A-arms on my car. Don't ask me what they are, but the noise was loud and sounded like metal against metal. Everywhere I drove, I was tense and nervous waiting for the crash to come. I tried drowning out the noises by turning the radio up. It didn't help the fear, because I could feel the thunks, thuds and shimmies in my feet. The other night I confessed my paranoia to my husband. He blasted me, telling me how ridiculous I am because he would never let me drive a car that is dangerous. He berated me for being a whiner and complainer and said that nothing is ever good enough for me. Ok then, I guess I cannot share my secret fears and worries with him. It is definitely not safe.

Can you hear my teeth gnashing?

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 19:47:18 GMT

Craig started in on his usual complaining today. He hates that I drive around all weekend doing errands and having fun. This weekend my agenda included returning clothes to WalMart, returning jeans that I ordered from JCPenney, and returning three shirts I bought for Craig that are too small. I planned on doing my grocery shopping at WalMart and getting pajamas for Victoria. I told him that he was more than welcome to take care of those errands. Then, after getting done with that stuff, I planned on going to my friend Marilyn's apartment. We were going to shop (in the town where she lives), and get the finishing touches to decorate her bedroom. In the evening, we were going to go to church. Sunday morning I work in the nursery and then I wanted to stay home and finish washing the clothes, do some dusting and write some lesson plans.

Craig said I couldn't go anywhere unless I took Victoria with me. I told him that I planned on taking Victoria shopping with me. I just didn't want to take her to Marilyn's house, because Marilyn doesn't have any little kids or toys to keep her entertained. Victoria just wants to monopolize the conversation and her nose gets out of joint if she isn't the center of attention. Somehow kids today just think the world should revolve around them, and so many parents agree. I don't. He said he didn't care what I said because he was "stuck" with the kids all week last week and it was his turn to do what he wants. I was very irritated with him, but Andrew had a friend over, so I didn't pursue the subject. I took a nap, and when I got up Craig was gone - with my car. GRRRR!!!!!

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Oh, and I almost forgot that he is complaining about our trip to Cancun. He doesn't want to get a passport, to fly in a plane, that could get hyjacked, or crash, to go to a country full of Mexicans, when we have plenty of Mexicans here. I reminded him that he had the option of staying home but he CHOSE to go, and now my parents have paid $9,000 for the vacation and he cannot drop out now. He said, "I can do whatever the hell I want." Can you tell this vacation could be the end of the road for us?

My Revised 101

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 21:12:03 GMT

1. I love to read books.

2. I have three children - 2 boys and 1 girl.

3. I've been married for 21 years.

4. I have considered divorce several times.

5. I have 3 dogs.

6. I will always have a dog – even when I am a little old lady.

7. I have had cats, birds, hamsters, rabbits, guinea pigs and a duck.

8. I love horses.

9. Never owned a horse.

10. My sister was born 51 weeks after me and we are great friends.

11. I have 1 brother.

12. I have lived in Indiana most of my life.

13. I was born in Illinois.

14. I have been to Oklahoma.

15. Florida too.

16. Canada once when I was a kid.

17. I think snakes are cool.

18. Spiders are scary.

19. I will never have a pet tarantula.

20. My inseam is 36 ".

21. I wear a size 12 AAAA shoe.

22. I cannot walk into stores to buy my pants and shoes.

23. I finished college at age 42.

24. I started out as a psychology major.

25. Then I went to elementary education.

26. I finally settled on special education.

27. I love to eat.

28. I listen to music all the time.

29. Contemporary Christian music is awesome.

30. I still like Classic Rock too.

31. I love spring, summer and fall.

32. Summer is the best because I love being in, near, or around water.

33. I like to float in the lake on our pontoon boat.

34. I have never white water rafted, but want to.

35. I have never snow skied and don't want to.

36. I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I feel sick.

37. I am really wimpy when I feel sick.

38. I will never leave the area I live in because I want to stay near my family.

39. I have to wear glasses because one eye rests higher than the other.

40. So I cannot wear contacts.

41. Our oldest son dropped out of high school and broke my heart.

42. Now he lives with his grandma a few blocks away.

43. Our 2nd son has PDD-NOS which is autism.

44. My husband's niece lives with us and I love her.

45. She calls us Mom and Dad.

46. I call her my daughter.

47. I love babies and enjoy rocking babies ,so I work in the church nursery.

48. I guess I should clarify that I don’t want a baby of my own but working in the nursery give me the “fix” I need.

49. I sing loudly (and very badly) in the car.

50. I have my motorcycle license.

51. I dropped my husband’s Harley and quit riding after that.

52. My most recent hobby is scrabooking.

53. I normally only work on my scrapbooks twice a year.

54. I'm not much of a risk taker.

55. I love peace and quiet.

56. I live in a very "loud" house.

57. I wish my brother would move to the same county as the rest of our family.

58. I want to lose 20 pounds.

59. We don’t have cable or satellite so television viewing is limited in our home.

60. My favorite foods are steak and pasta.

61. Crab and Lobster also.

62. I am super sociable and would fall into a deep depression if I didn’t have my friends.

63. I hate sports.

64. Unless my daughter is one of the players.

65. Then I am an obnoxious sports mom.

66. I teach high school special education.

67. I loved high school.

68. The reunions are boring, so I am not attending any more of them.

69. I am working on increasing my water intake and limiting my coffee.

70. I like margaritas but rarely drink them because I would need a designated driver.

71. I like pizza with veggies.

72. I enjoy taking pictures of scenery.

73. I would love to learn more about photography.

74. I cannot bake bread to save my life!

75. Even with a bread machine.

76. I have a bad habit of talking to myself.

77. I even answer myself.

78. I hate housework and don't do enough of it.

79. I dream of the perfect house.

80. I admire perfectionists.

81. I wish that "perfection" would rub off on me.

82. I like getting to know other people and their stories.

83. Which is why I spend too much time reading Spaces.

84. Which totally ticks off my husband.

85. I like thunderstorms.

86. I would love to live on lots of acres.

87. I would love to have a swimming pool or live on a lake.

88. My dream home has a huge front porch with rocking chairs and a swing.

89. And lots of flowering trees and bushes.

90. Flying makes me sick, but I will fly for the convenience of it.

91. Would love to go to Australia as long as I can be knocked out for most of the flight.

92. I hate traveling by car.

93. I hate to paint and so does my husband.

94. Which is why my whole house needs painted.

95. Sitting around a fire is great.

96. So are hot tubs.

97. I want a chin.

98. If I had money I would get a chin implant.

99. I love Jesus Christ.

100. I often go to church twice a week.

101. I love my family heaps and gobs.