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Meandering Thoughts of MomTo3KidzTrying to remember that love is action - not a feeling
February 14 Three years and maybe the endI started this blog February 26, 2005. Right now I am considering deleting the whole thing. Craig reads my blog regularly and I told him that I didn't mind, because I don't keep secrets from him. The problem is that he tries to start arguements about things I write or what is written in my comments. He has started reading my e-mail, and checking the numbers on my phone to see who I have been calling, who is calling me, and what time the calls are made. Once again, I don't have anything to hide, but I am tired of the third degree - "Whose number is this? Why are you calling so and so at 7:00am? I know you made plans in advance because you spoke to so and so earlier today..." I thought about starting a new blog at a different sight, but he would just look up the history on my computer and track it down. I really hate the thought of giving up my blogging, but if I cannot write my real thoughts and the events of my life, what is the point of writing at all? February 13 The Variety ShowLast night I participated in my school's variety show to raise money for "Dollars for Scholars." Normally I wouldn't dare to show my complete lack of talent, but the act I was in required bad singing. Now that I can do - naturally. I was in the Geriatric Choir. My costume consisted of my grandma's walker, my dark green suit, white gloves, a blue gaudy brooch with rhinestones, huge rhinestone earrings, knee-high hose (with one falling down), an adorable little black hat, black oxford shoes, too much rouge and a piece of toilet paper hanging from the waist-band of my skirt. The song was sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" and began with the words: Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings... I even managed to speak a few lines of the song - solo. Since we were allowed to use papers with the words to the song, I didn't even get nervous and the whole thing was a blast. If some ornery teacher posts the act on YouTube, I will post it here, so you can see me being goofy. My last stint in acting was in the 8th grade, when I was 13 years old and I was a robot. If I wait that long to appear on stage again, I might be in my casket! February 11 Nothing...Did you ever see someone staring off into space and ask him, "What are you thinking about?" and he says "Nothing." That has always bothered me. I am always thinking about something. I couldn't meditate for squat, because it is impossible to "clear my mind." I have tried to think about nothing and then I am thinking about trying not to think. If anyone asks me what I am thinking about and I say I am not thinking about anything, it really means one of two things- it isn't any of your business or it isn't important enough to share. I guess the only time my mind is clear is when I am sleeping, and then that might not be the case, because I could be dreaming and just not remember my dreams when I wake up. sigh I wish I could say that a busy mind is a sign of great intelligence. If that was the case, I am a stinkin' genius! LOL February 10 Fred and WilmaLast night I had my first shift with clients. I met Fred and Wilma and loved them almost instantly. Wilma is 89 years old and her darling, devoted husband takes care of her full time. He needs help getting her up in the morning and into bed in the evening. Wilma had a stroke two years ago and her left side is useless. Company rules say that I am not allowed to lift clients - they have to be able to stand and walk pretty independently - with only an arm to hold onto. That is not the case with Wilma, and my back is aching this morning from helping Fred transfer her 4 times in three hours. At least after my shift tonight I will have 5 days to recover before I do it all over again.
I asked Fred and Wilma how they met and Fred got a sparkle in his eye as he said, "Well, should I tell her how we met?" Wilma gave him permission. It seems that each of their spouses died, within a month of each other and Fred was Wilma's mailman. Fred said, "And she made the best cookies!" When I asked Wilma what kind of cookies she used to win his heart, she said that it was either the chocolate chip or the sugar cookies. Fred chimed in and said, "It was the sugar cookies. She made a wonderful sugar cookie." LOL. So cute.
Wilma and I found common ground because she is a chocoholic and loves to eat ice cream. Fred and I found common ground because my grandpa was the postmaster while he was a mail carrier. Except for the physical toll on my old back, I think my first night as a caregiver went amazingly well. February 08 A tough day to be a teacherYesterday during my direct class I got a call from my friend Karen. She had just heard from Harley's sister that one of our students was killed in a car crash right down the road from her house, but all she knew was that it was a student coming to school from the vocational school in our county. My mind raced through my classlist as I tried to think what students I have at that school. I felt sick to my stomach as I pictured their faces. For some reason the first person I thought of is one of my students with CP - Aaron. "Please God, don't let it be him. Don't let it be anyone I know. Maybe there has been some sort of mix up and no one died."
A few minutes later the principal announced that we needed to turn on our televisions. I knew the dreaded announcement was coming. Three students were in that crash. Two injured and one dead. I did know the student who died. Martin had been in two or three of my classes since I started teaching three years ago. In fact, we just spoke in the hallway earlier in the week. He and Aaron have been friends for years. I sobbed at the announcement and tears streamed down my face. I left the room for a minute to calm myself and then went on with business as usual.
My students were so sweet. One boy who swears that he hates my class because I am so mean, came up and gave me a hug. A girl made a note that said something like, "We love Mrs. B." and then she put all of the students' names on it. Even the student who drives me crazy with his non-stop talking was subdued after the announcement.
My friend Terri and I sat in our office after school and cried and talked. She had been his teacher of record for four years. We had such hopes for Martin's future. We were so pleased that he was going to make it through high school despite his disability, a less than perfect home life, and some bad choices along the way. Martin was going to graduate on June 8th. February 06 Everything ChangesToday I got a call from my part-time employers offering me different hours. Yay! I get to work 3 hours on Saturday evening and 3 hours on Sunday evening, so I don't have to give up my work in the church nursery. Of course I will work less hours and drive more, but I think God must really want me to stay in the nursery at church so He got me different hours. I also get to substitute for a woman who cares for my neighbor. I have known my neighbor for 23 years and she lives right across the street. I told the woman who assigns the hours that I can sub there in the evenings during the week, and in the mornings on the weekends, so if they need me they just need to call. I think that in the future I might just be walking across the street to care for my neighbor every weekend. Time will tell.
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Today was Victoria's parent/teacher conference. The news was very bad. She had 4 A's and 1 B at the end of the semester and for this progress report she went down to C's and D's. What on earth is her deal? The teacher said that she gets up repeatedly to sharpen her pencil and blow her nose, she chats to her neighbors, and has even been crawling on the floor. The teacher wishes she could tape her rear to her chair. She has missed many recesses to make up work, but it hasn't phased her at all. Craig and I have noticed that lately she needs constant redirection at home. What I wonder is, why in the heck didn't the teacher call me or e-mail me to let me now about these problems sooner? Why wait until half of the grading period is over?
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On my way to work this morning I was flipping through the radio stations trying to find music instead of talk, when I stopped on my favorite classic rock station. I heard a very familiar voice. It was our former youth pastor, now the new morning DJ. He has been a DJ for years and worked for several stations, including a Christian station. Naturally I stopped and listened to his morning show to see what it was like. It was clean because his monologue focused on music and movies instead of sexual innuendo. Of course he played some of my favorite classic rock, including Ozzy (who I like more at age 45, than I ever did as a teenager). What fun!
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Just for fun I am going to make a political prediction: I think that if Clinton gets the Democratic nomination, she will ask Obamah to be her running mate. If Obamah gets it, he WON'T team up with Clinton (but I don't know who it will be). If McCain gets the Republican nomination, I think he will ask Huckabee to join him. I am a total novice when it comes to politics, so it will be fun to see if I am right. February 05 What's NewToday I called in to my new job to see if they have any clients for me. I was offered a Sunday shift from 8:00am - 4:30pm, every week. That means that I would have to give up my time in the nursery with people I like very much. I hate that thought. It is so depressing to think of giving it up. On the plus side, I won't have to miss church since we have Saturday night services. Do I wait for a different assignment and give up the money, or take it and live without my "baby fix"? I have to decide by Thursday.
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We got a letter in the mail saying that the judge decided that Bio-mom gets two overnight visits a month, and he set a date for us to go to court this summer for a status hearing. He made suggestions for the times and days of visitation but said that we can make our own arrangements if we can agree. Since we offered Bio-mom more time than the judge did, she agreed. The problem is that the judge said that Craig and I are responsible for transportation after her visitation. I don't know think he remembers that she lives an hour away, and that she doesn't pay a dime of child support. So - I told Bio-mom that the only way we will provide transportation is if she is ordered to pay child support. We have supported Victoria for over three years, and I have to work two jobs in the winter and Craig works two jobs in the summer and fall. If she wants to push the issue, we will file for child support and it will be granted. She said that she cannot afford to pay child support, so she will take care of transportation. I am pretty good at playing hard ball when I need to. If she keeps her visitation and doesn't have any major meltdowns, I expect she will get visitation in line with Indiana State Guidelines at the status hearing.
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Andrew is on his third Geometry teacher this school year. Third. He has had trouble in math since he started high school and playing musical teachers doesn't help any. The computer grade book has not been updated since before Christmas break. I have no idea what his grade is. That really ticks me off. I sent an e-mail to the guidance counselor and the special education teacher in his Geometry class and asked if they could please let me know what his current grade is. Hopefully they will get back to me tomorrow. If not, I will contact the assistant principal on Thursday.
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Since I have already earned the reputation of being a witch in my childrens' school district, I agreed to attend Craig's nephew's IEP conference. Z has Asperger's Syndrome and he is in the 6th grade. The IEP we will be working on is for Junior High (next year). That is a scary transition. I will be there as a student advocate and make sure that Z's parents don't sign that IEP until we are totally satisfied that it offers the support that Z needs to be successful. Z's parents are not educated, and I am sure are very intimidated when sitting at a table with administrators, teachers, consultants, and therapists. They also don't know the law. I pray that this team is more flexible and open to my suggestions so I don't have to be a witch - again.
Yikes - I am out of creamer!What a crisis. I cannot drink coffee without my flavored creamer. Someone (named Andrew) put the empty bottle into the refrigerator instead of throwing it away. I stood over my steaming cup of coffee pitifully praying for some creamer to magically flow out of the overturned bottle. Hey, Jesus turned water into wine so miracles can happen, right? I think I got two drips out of the container. Now what? I can be creative - occasionally. A little cartoon balloon appeared over my head. YES! I have an idea! I put a Hershey's dark chocolate Nuggest in my mouth and then drank my coffee. Hot coffee and a smooth chunk of dark chocolate, make for a delicious morning. Try it - you'll like it! February 04 Yucky Weekend HappeningsSaturday night we tried to go to church, but I got a migraine. Thankfully I managed to keep from throwing up until we got home. Thankfully I kept a lined waste basket next to my bed. Thankfully I didn't miss the waste basket. I managed to keep down to over-the-counter sleep aid pills and slept for 11 hours straight.
Unfortunately, there was chaos in my household. Devon was the source of it. It is blatantly obvious that he is as bi-polar as the day is long. I guess the mental health clinic he is going to doesn't want to get to the bottom of his problem because he doesn't have health insurance and he only pays $5.00 a visit. Then there is the fact that he doesn't take the medication that is prescribed and uses pot and alcohol instead. Saturday night he left me a ranting, angry, foul-mouthed, message on my cell phone that included a death threat. Yep, my oldest son told me that he is going to kill me. I hadn't even spoken to him and didn't do anything to provoke his anger.
Devon is not allowed in our home without invitation. If we invite him over he will have to be totally respectful or leave. If Craig won't back me up, he can leave right along with Devon. My tough love approach just got tougher.
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